"Too often, women exist in the narrative only in terms of their relationship to one of those men. Not in terms of their own personal identity, but especially not in terms of how their life interacts with the lives of other women."

I think I see -- I would've arranged things:

1. women defined in relationship to men.
2. women defined in relationship to women.
3. women defined in terms of their own personal identity,

finding (1) the most objectionable and (3) the least, but your order has (2) and (3) swapped. On that view, then the issue I raise is certainly not problematic.