hrj: (Default)
hrj ([personal profile] hrj) wrote2012-06-08 08:16 pm

The work-in-progress meme

1. Go to page 77 (or 7) of your current ms
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next 7 lines – sentences or paragraphs – and post them as they’re written. No cheating.


From Daughter of Mystery

Among the gathering onlookers were a handful of young boys and Barbara promised them a five-teneir piece to share if they ran and told the magistrate's men of the killing. She shrugged apologetically to Margerit, "Better to send word ourselves than for someone else to report it. But we need to get you home and out of the matter."

Among the gathering crowd Barbara spotted a friend of the Fulpis riding in a light chaise. She signaled to them and urged Margerit over to their side. "Your aunt can see you safely home. The magistrate will want to speak to you, but better it's done in private."

* * *
A nice little self-contained bit, though not very evocative out of context.

[identity profile] hrj.livejournal.com 2012-06-09 03:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks, although on reading that bit, it reminds me how much tightening up of the angle of the point-of-view I need to do. (Plus fix the repetitive "among the gathering X"!!!!) Here's how it's likely to end up after the next re-write:

Barbara looked around and spotted a handful of young boys among the gathering onlookers. She pulled out a small coin to show them. "There's five teneirs to share between you if you run and tell the magistrate's men." She shrugged apologetically to Margerit, "Better to send word ourselves than for someone else to report it. But we need to get you home and out of the matter." At the edge of the crowd she saw a friend of the Fulpis riding in a light chaise and signaled to them, urging Margerit over toward the carriage. "Your aunt can see you safely home. The magistrate will want to speak to you, but better it's done in private."
Edited 2012-06-09 15:46 (UTC)

[identity profile] cryptocosm.livejournal.com 2012-06-10 12:35 am (UTC)(link)
fix the repetitive "among the gathering X"!!!!
Indeed. That rather jumped out.

[identity profile] hrj.livejournal.com 2012-06-10 04:43 am (UTC)(link)
And this is why the next revision pass is going to take rather longer than the first one did.