As many have said, thank you for posting this. Your essay is very helpful to me. I hadn’t realized that other people I think of as intelligent and capable and totally “together” have these feelings too.
It's helpful to know that I'm not the only one who lives in that lonely place far too often. In my last few years, I've watched someone who has long been a hero to me fight off this sort of inclination far better than I have ever learned to do.
You mention facing up to the inclination to sink to NobodyLovesMeLand, by mocking the feelings that cause it. In particular, I believe my daughter used mocking to chase away her fear of death when she was all too aware of it's proximity. Her fascination with Christopher Moore, I think, was part of her ‘mock death’ rather than being afraid of it scheme. I can see that standing up and facing my great fears and lonely feelings is the only way I've ever been able to shove them down. I just don't do it often enough!
I think there may be a brain chemical content to these feelings. Some people seem to be much more Susceptible than others, even when their situation doesn't appear to be any worse than someone else's.
I believe you are saying that the “eat worms” attitude causes chemical changes that increase the need to “eat worms?” Actually, I rather think this is true. If I don’t fight it off, the first ‘worm‘ turns into an entire menu of ‘worms. It’s something I’ve fought off for much of my adult life.
I’ve felt that there must be some hormone in the system that makes certain of us like that. I can’t really see that my life has been anywhere near as difficult as that of my daughter, and yet she almost never seemed to feel that ‘nobody loved her’ even in the worst of times, and I seem to feel that way, even in some of the best of times. It doesn’t take much to push me into the totally depressed state. I try to fight it off all the time. These days, it’s especially difficult. I’m consciously trying to use my dauther as a model to see if it helps prevent that attitude. She always seemed to feel that people did, indeed, love her -- and they did.
She was not like that as a child, you know. This is something she built into herself, possibly aided by the undeniable parental devotion she received when she was sick as a teenager. Maybe some of us just don't get a chance to have people demonstrate our "lovability" when we are young enough to believe it. I try to be lovable by being helpful, and yet it seems like it just puts some people off and makes them feel that I am being "controlling." I wasn't trying to control them. I was trying to control my own self.
Now I'm just trying to be myself and let others decide what they decide, and to not worry about it. Do you think that's possible?
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Date: 2008-02-16 02:20 am (UTC)It's helpful to know that I'm not the only one who lives in that lonely place far too often. In my last few years, I've watched someone who has long been a hero to me fight off this sort of inclination far better than I have ever learned to do.
You mention facing up to the inclination to sink to NobodyLovesMeLand, by mocking the feelings that cause it. In particular, I believe my daughter used mocking to chase away her fear of death when she was all too aware of it's proximity. Her fascination with Christopher Moore, I think, was part of her ‘mock death’ rather than being afraid of it scheme. I can see that standing up and facing my great fears and lonely feelings is the only way I've ever been able to shove them down. I just don't do it often enough!
I think there may be a brain chemical content to these feelings. Some people seem to be much more Susceptible than others, even when their situation doesn't appear to be any worse than someone else's.
I believe you are saying that the “eat worms” attitude causes chemical changes that increase the need to “eat worms?” Actually, I rather think this is true. If I don’t fight it off, the first ‘worm‘ turns into an entire menu of ‘worms. It’s something I’ve fought off for much of my adult life.
I’ve felt that there must be some hormone in the system that makes certain of us like that. I can’t really see that my life has been anywhere near as difficult as that of my daughter, and yet she almost never seemed to feel that ‘nobody loved her’ even in the worst of times, and I seem to feel that way, even in some of the best of times. It doesn’t take much to push me into the totally depressed state. I try to fight it off all the time. These days, it’s especially difficult. I’m consciously trying to use my dauther as a model to see if it helps prevent that attitude. She always seemed to feel that people did, indeed, love her -- and they did.
She was not like that as a child, you know. This is something she built into herself, possibly aided by the undeniable parental devotion she received when she was sick as a teenager. Maybe some of us just don't get a chance to have people demonstrate our "lovability" when we are young enough to believe it. I try to be lovable by being helpful, and yet it seems like it just puts some people off and makes them feel that I am being "controlling." I wasn't trying to control them. I was trying to control my own self.
Now I'm just trying to be myself and let others decide what they decide, and to not worry about it. Do you think that's possible?