Wow. I got here from a link in a mutual friend's post, and I'm extremely glad I took the time.
Inner process, especially about negative stuff, is a bugger. It's a bugger to deal with, a bugger to express to others, to keep it from owning one's life, etc. etc.
Your recounting is really lovely to read - it's clear and succinct, as I would expect from you, but you're also *there* in it. Talking about the hard stuff can seem easier with a big dose of detachment, but that also robs it of its power, or at least it has for me. But then again, I seem to be a lot like you, in that the "drag the Hydra into the light" method is the only thing that has worked for me too. Self-revelation of the right kind, to anyone who cared to hear it, has been a sovereign remedy. I know it doesn't work for everyone, and for some it's not nearly enough, but it's been key for me.
I find that age has played a part for me too. Each of us has our own threshold for this, but turning 40 last year has had a profound impact on me. I've found myself snapping out of wormy moments with this crisp, clear sense that LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS. It's not self-condemnation, which only backs up another truck of squirmers, but a simple acknowledgment that I have limited time left and want to choose more wisely how I spend it. It's not always that easy, of course, but it makes me happy that arriving at the approximate midpoint of my life seems to have contributed a valuable perspective brick-to-the-head about my priorities.
I also really think you nailed the issue on the element that - if you'll pardon the cliche - "perception is reality". Trudging down that path to no-one-loves-me-land *requires* that we carefully edit our experiences to validate that belief, and I think that's a part that people miss a lot.
I've done it too, of course, but I can remember many times of immense frustration with friends who clung to their misery like a favorite teddy bear. A particularly Eeyore-ish friend comes to mind, who after ending up single after a many-year relationship kept lamenting that there were "no good men available" and that she was "old and unattractive" and would surely die single. She flatly refused to believe the many of us who told her about the men we'd seen express interest in her, only to be rebuffed by her relentless self-denigration and go away. The willingness to let go of these beliefs and cease selectively reinforcing them is a necessary step in the process, though you did an excellent job of describing the ambivalence at the heart of it! There's a comfort there, a reward of the most contrary sort, and it takes courage to admit that some part of you has no intention of giving up the juice you get out of it.
Goodness, I hadn't meant to go on at such a rate, but good writing and courageous self-revelation inspire me. I thank you very much for sharing your thoughts, and our friend for pointing others to this post.
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Date: 2008-02-16 06:30 am (UTC)Inner process, especially about negative stuff, is a bugger. It's a bugger to deal with, a bugger to express to others, to keep it from owning one's life, etc. etc.
Your recounting is really lovely to read - it's clear and succinct, as I would expect from you, but you're also *there* in it. Talking about the hard stuff can seem easier with a big dose of detachment, but that also robs it of its power, or at least it has for me. But then again, I seem to be a lot like you, in that the "drag the Hydra into the light" method is the only thing that has worked for me too. Self-revelation of the right kind, to anyone who cared to hear it, has been a sovereign remedy. I know it doesn't work for everyone, and for some it's not nearly enough, but it's been key for me.
I find that age has played a part for me too. Each of us has our own threshold for this, but turning 40 last year has had a profound impact on me. I've found myself snapping out of wormy moments with this crisp, clear sense that LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS. It's not self-condemnation, which only backs up another truck of squirmers, but a simple acknowledgment that I have limited time left and want to choose more wisely how I spend it. It's not always that easy, of course, but it makes me happy that arriving at the approximate midpoint of my life seems to have contributed a valuable perspective brick-to-the-head about my priorities.
I also really think you nailed the issue on the element that - if you'll pardon the cliche - "perception is reality". Trudging down that path to no-one-loves-me-land *requires* that we carefully edit our experiences to validate that belief, and I think that's a part that people miss a lot.
I've done it too, of course, but I can remember many times of immense frustration with friends who clung to their misery like a favorite teddy bear. A particularly Eeyore-ish friend comes to mind, who after ending up single after a many-year relationship kept lamenting that there were "no good men available" and that she was "old and unattractive" and would surely die single. She flatly refused to believe the many of us who told her about the men we'd seen express interest in her, only to be rebuffed by her relentless self-denigration and go away. The willingness to let go of these beliefs and cease selectively reinforcing them is a necessary step in the process, though you did an excellent job of describing the ambivalence at the heart of it! There's a comfort there, a reward of the most contrary sort, and it takes courage to admit that some part of you has no intention of giving up the juice you get out of it.
Goodness, I hadn't meant to go on at such a rate, but good writing and courageous self-revelation inspire me. I thank you very much for sharing your thoughts, and our friend for pointing others to this post.