Chaos and Stability

[hrj]

These days I often find myself suspended between "ack, the world as we know it is ending and anyone not in full panic mode is complicit" and "there are concrete things I can do to make small parts of the world a better place and it's better for me to focus on doing those things well than panicking about things I can't affect." I lean towards the latter because...well...it involves things I *can* do.

I *can* do my day-job well and conscientiously, and that means that I help deliver medical treatments that make people's lives better (and in some cases save their lives). Say what you like about Big Pharma, we don't actually want to live in a world where effective medical treatments don't exist, or where they can't be relied on to be safe and effective.

I *can* share knowledge and understanding about the diversity of experiences and identities in the past that may help contemporary people feel more connected with history and help them appreciate the long parade of mutable and shifting ways in which identity constructs itself.

I *can* provide entertainment that gives people a respite from the aforementioned full panic mode.

I *can* share and boost information about other people who are doing similar things.

And I can't do all those things well if I'm in full panic mode every moment of the day. But panic can creep in around the edges. One of my co-workers (doing the same job I do) quit abruptly around midnight last night when the stress of having to be on the job until midnight in order to fulfill the requirements of "well and conscientious" became too much. I don't know if the world's ambient full panic mode contributed, but I know it contributes to my overall stress level. When they officially told us about her quitting this morning, we were admonished to speak up to management or HR before we felt we were getting to a breaking point. I pointed out that we were speaking up regularly about the workload pressures (I'm certainly known for it!) and that nothing seemed to change. And now, of course, those of us who are left will need to pick up the half-finished investigations that she was working on, when we already can't keep up with our own workload.

This isn't going anywhere in particular. It's just a day when it's easy to look at the world and wonder what the use is. To feel that even just putting one foot in front of another on the path is complete failure.

Comments

[life_of_glamour]

I feel this. I have this panic and have to talk myself down using similar logic most days.

[hrj]

I just feel like such a coward so much of the time because I'm not out marching in the streets and phone banking and everything and I'm just ... exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

[threadwalker]

Same here

[oracne]

Exactly this. You are totally not alone in these feelings.

[hrj]

It's like I keep telling myself about bouts of transient depression: we need to speak truth to anxiety and let everyone know they aren't alone. There is no value in silence.

[aurumcalendula]

This so much.

[hrj]

And yet it leaves me feeling guilty about all the people who don't have the option to turtle away. It isn't enough and it's never enough and it never can be enough. It's like...you can adopt one homeless cat, or two, or...but you can't adopt all the homeless cats in the world. And at what point are you allowed to believe you've done as much as you can?

[alithea]

I hear you.

But those things you can do, do *help* and contribute to making the world that little bit better for other people and that's valuable. Your books helped comfort me when my father was dying and comfort was hard to come by. None of us are super human, we can only do what we can do.

[hrj]

Thank you. And I'm so sorry for your loss and glad I was able to provide some comfort.

[katerit]

I am feeling this a lot myself - and your speaking about this lends some strength. I think there are many of us having similar fears. What you can do is important and meaningful.

[julesjones]

Big Pharma has its problems, but overall it makes the world a little better. There are a lot of jobs like that, and people doing those jobs well all contribute. Thank you for your little piece of the puzzle placed where it needs to be.

[threadwalker]

I am having a lot of gut responses to this post. The most important one is that I want you to take care of yourself